Every Single Day

I thought that what I felt was going to be over a long time a go... but... it never did...
He is so easy to be with... to like... but... evn though... I prefer you...
I don't want to be olding back... my problem is that you make me question everything and everyone...
It's so difficult to write this days...just because I know how I feel or how I still feel about you...
Every single day I ....

LIKE A MOVIE

My life sometimes feels like a movie ... but it isn't... because we are not together...like an happy ending cliche...

Distance... does harm to a lot of things... and I feel that the people that I love the most are to far away from me... I just have to suck it in... We don't always get what we want...
I know GOD is taking care of me... and He knows what I need... I want His will above anything...
I won't say that I want you...
After all this time I ...
I don't understand... how is it possible??...
If you don't care... if you don't even say... I'm not going to worry about it... it just means you don't deserve anything from me...
Probably is just "the angry part of me" saying but I'm disappointed right now...
I'm also mad at me because I haven't stop thinking... or caring...
LORD just hold me hard...
I would like it to be the way it was before... but if it isn't... it's because it isn't suppose to happen that way... two different ways...

Clearing my head...

I just don't understand.... why it happens every time...??...
You getting under my skin... you keep messing with my head... without asking permission...
I don't want to believe when i say to my self that it isn't possible...
I have wasted so many time on you... I've tried so much that...
It's not fair... you picking up things  that don't matter... that aren't worth to bother... things that once had meaning... had purpose...
I can't say it right now... I can't let my self say it... it doesn't make a difference... isn't worth it... letting it o... i've tried and I thought i did... but ...
Saying it out lou is the worst thing to do ... makes it real...
It's your fault... you shouldn't have gone back...
I'm angry at my self... at you...
Such a long time has passed since that first day...
Bad decisions... good decisions... only GOD knows why our lives crossed... even though it wasn't supposed to happen like we wanted...
God knows what we need... my will is nothing... HE's will is everything...
I don't think that "possibility" or "probability" works in a positive way here...

Do you like me??...Do you love me??.. I have been praying for us... have you been praying for us??.. I have so many doubts in my mind right now...
I know what i feel for you... but i don't know if we should go on or just be friends... this is being a hard time for me... i really miss you... i already know all that talk about "we will have other opportunities to be together"... but will we??...

This can't be floating in air ... I can't stay with questions forever... I need answers too...
This past few days i have been trying not to think about you... but let me tell you one thing... it's impossible.. every time i close my eyes... you appear...your eyes and the way you look at me... your smile and the way you make me smile too... your lips and the way you engage me in your conversation... your kindness... your love for GOD and doing His work... I might be crazy girl ...and be dreaming to much...!!... i honestly don't want to get myself hurt... i dont want to give myself for something that it's not going to work... i will keep praying because i want GOD's will in GOD's time.. but i really needed to tell you this... i feel that that is something wrong... i just don't know what it is.... can you tell me??...

GOD I love you and I am needing your guidence...

My Birthday...!!

Thank you GOD for one more year of life... I couldn't do it without YOU... You're the reason I live ...and I couldn't be more happy...  :D
Thanks for making me what I am today... for all the oportunities given to me... every person in my life... for being there every time I need...
LORD thanks for helping me trough all the sad and painfull moments and for the happy ones too.... You are so amazing that I can't even express myself...
You are my life... You are my all.. The best...
I LOVE YOU GOD ABOVE ANYTHING THAT EXISTS.... just help to keep in your way... and guide me trough the darkness... I want to do everything for you... I want to show people that you are worth it... and that with you all things are possible... build me as you want... ;)
THANK YOU JESUS CRIST... <3

Can we blame it on the raing??

It didn't even bothered me.... I was suprised with myself.... when did I stopped caring??.... when did I stopped having those feelings??.... did it just disappear??... did it vanished away??.... right now i can't tell but I'm happy this way....
So many silence joined with a long distance... I used to keep forgetting to forget about you.... the memories would come up in a blink of an eye... I remembered the way we laugh... the way we talked... the way we would look to each other... in a time when I thought that I would never ever miss those things and I end up missing it....in a time where we used to glow.... in a time that those things... you... were so important even when I was trying to make you less important...
Can we blame it on the rain??... I guess not.... but it was definitely something wonderful... something unforgettable... something crazy... something good...
The good part is that I recovered my breath... the one YOU took from me...
I won't forget but right now I won't miss it... I won't miss you that way...
We could look back and try to change somethings so it could work... but "we were meant to fall in love but not to be together" ...wasn't God's will... now I could look to the present and ask... "does she look at you the same way I once did?".... "does she feel the same rush that I once felt when you're around?"... "does she understand...??"... questions that I don't care about the answers anymore...
You're tangled and I am free... whose better??...
I might be somehow alone in this... but I will always find peace ... I will always find company... I will always find refuge in the ONE that will never leave behind or alone.... in GOD!!

Em Português.... ?!?!?

Sei que estás MUITO feliz, mas só quero dizer que ainda anseio por ti, pela tua felicidade!
AMOT-TE... palavra com diversos significados... diversos sentidos... desculpa, mas tinha de o dizer...
Não sei se há espaço no teu coração para mim, no entanto no meu nunca ninguém irá ocupar aquele lugar que um dia foi TEU...
Por mais que eu procure... que tente dar a volta ao mundo... tenho a certeza que não há ninguém como tu... ninguém com o teu toque... ninguém com o teu nível de interesse...
Ainda não consegui entender porque é que voltaste para mim... se sabias que não podias ficar?!?!...
Espero que todo o sentimento tenha valido apena... toda a espera... toda a angústia... toda a dor... que calada guardo no meu peito...
Enquanto isso fico extremamente feliz... com um sorriso de "orelha a orelha"... com o coração a bater mais forte que nunca... e tudo isso apenas por saber que ainda partilhas comigo a tua amizade... a tua honestidade... a tua sinceridade... a tua cúmplicidade... as tuas brincadeiras...
Desejo que continues feliz como se que te estão a fazer... que eu ficarei aqui... num silêncio cortante de cada pensamento... de cada palavra que eu escrevo... sempre à espera de mais uma conversa...

Never thought that I would write a text in portuguese and post it.... never thought that i would be able to express myself trough portuguese words... ;D

God is the only LORD and only KING of my life... I'm glad that I depend on Him... because I know He takes care of me... good care... ;D

I Admit...for Bad or for Good

I thought that I didn't care.... that I could leave it behind...
We all have strange conversations with our friends.... and I always said that by seeing other points of views anyone could change their minds and their opinions... I just didn't realized that I could change my opinion too...
Everything happens for a reason right?!?... but I never understand it.... GOD help me to see...


After rewind some conversations I realized and I admit...
-that when I talk to you... it's not 100% like I thought it was...
-that when I see you... I keep trying to look for more...
-that when I think about you... I try not to do it... to avoid a numerous things...
-that when I somehow listen to your voice... I think that you won't be easy to forget... like I thought I did when I said.... I had...

The truth... for bad your for good is that I still feel the same old way...I didn't thought I still did... I feel just like I felt at the begining... If you were wonderind...

Rethinking sometimes is a good thing other times is a bad thing because it leads us to do some stuff that we probably will regret or not... but this time I'm not sure which one to pick... good or bad..??!!??

It's your fault that I have been thinking about it... you probably should've choose to agrre with me... now I'm like this... sayng and writing nonsense things...

GOD help me to be in your way... not going for short cuts or easy ways... I want your way... you love in my life... do it by your will.... ;D

YOUR LIPS...

Sometimes when we are frustated we say things we dont mean to.... and then we end up regreting each of the words prenounced by our lips... words without any meaning inside ...
It wasnt intirelly my fault... i was counting on you somehow and you let myself down...couldn't be indifferent ... if we ever decided to be friends i was not the only one to allow it ... it was so fast ... so sudden ...it was unbearable ... couldn't stand without saying anything ...
I'm relivied that i let it all out... I do still want you back... because above all... you are an amazing friend... and an amazing person... that cares about people...
I wish that some moments could last forever...
The last things that i've been praying for... is your lips whispering my name... just to say a simple and warm "hello" ...just to me... to anyone else...

Good now...

I'm glad that we are good now...
It was difficult for me to admit it... sometimes only we have to do is to let ourselfs out... and talk with our fellings... something that i'm not used to... 'cause later or soon i know that it might come against me and hurt me... so i guess i prefer playing safe... and sometimes that's not always the best thing to do...
I'm happy to know that you do missed it too...to know that you didn't understand "why?" as much as i didn't... all i needed to know was what you thought about all this little... but at the same time... big thing... i liked to hear that you "don't know why you stopped..."... cause like you said you stopped not me
Even if its hard to me to say... i was crushed... i was sad... and then i tried to be ok with it but until today that was impossible... but still i always managed to said that "i'm fine"...
I dont want to be like that ever again...
I will keep on praying... GOD knows what He want.... so i live it up to Him...

"La vie en rose"...

You have heard everything from me but have you ever really listen what I was saying?... you are so busy trying to let go that you don’t even remember what you didn’t want to have anymore…

I let you know so much about me… I don’t regret it but if I could, I would go back words… I think now that “c’est la vie” and not always is “en rose”… I for once let myself go and now I can’t take it back…

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that there’s always going to be a change… for bad or for good? ... we never know…

I miss you being my friend… not just a friend a good friend… a friend that I could talk to without caring about the rest of the world…

You will never get by me and turn out to be nothing or just one more person in the same street as me… which means that I will never forget, not like you did…

Every time you say something I love what I feel… even though that it might mean nothing… I, for some reason, get happy, afraid, excited, unsure… because I never know if is the last time you talk to me…

You pushed me out… and even though it seems I’m okay with it… I’m not… I need to get in… you make me be myself… but now I’m pretending to be fine…

Can you....??

Can you forget? I can't... Can you feel me? I’m so close to your heart… Can you hear me? In the silence I scream your name saying that I love you… Can you breathe? I can’t, because I know that I’ll never ever have you again… Can you kiss me? I won’t let you… Can you see me? I can, if close my eyes, and I doubt that you can! ... CAN YOU REMEMBER ME AGAIN?....

LAST KISS... LAST MOMENT...

I was naive to think that it wasn't going to be a last kiss...

What was missing in the end was the actually last kiss... a specific kiss that was never given... a kiss that would mark THE END of something great... a kiss that would've given me the memory of the last day that we loved each other... just like a goodbye...

I still remember the FIRST kiss... all I wanted now was the LAST kiss... the last moment... the last talk... the last hug...the last move of my lips saying your name... the last tear dropping down your face... the last beat of your heart for me... the last bit of feeling  for me as US...

Knowing that i could still be your friend... was the most exciting thing... after all we had been trough.... but you let me down... you ran away... you were afraid to face the situation...you just couldn't handle the fact that I was completly fine with it...

I just wanted a true FINISH... I'm not saying that I still have hope in "the" us... which I don't have... I just think that both of us would deserve that...

If this were a movie you would be here for that... you would be just my friend... and for that I'm still waiting...

GOD will do his work in it's own time... I know for sure that HE will be faithful to me... and that HE will do his will in my life and that's what I want... despite of the obstacles.... despite having to let some parts of my life go...

Tired...Happy...

One day i will get so mad and i will forget the consequences... forget your reaction... your opinion... i will put myself out there...and scream at you so hard about everything..... about what ever is left unsaid.... about everything and nothing... i'm going to say non-sense  things...tired of taking  everything to myself...
Besides all i'm super hiper mega happy....GOD does everything in it's own time....HE knows what needs to be done...
The only thing that i know for sure about the future is that.... i will keep on serving GOD...
I dont deserve you or your love and you are still by my side protecting me and taking care of me...
I can not thank you enough my LORD.... YOU never let me down....
LOVE YOU GOD <3

So Many...

I dont want to be in this situation... It doesn't affect me but i prefer to avoid it...
People talking to me about...someone that once was part of my life... and I have to pretend that I dont remember WHO is HIM... that one day ran after marking me positive and negatively by his friendship.... but I think it's what it is ...
We have to learn from our mistakes... i always heard that...
There were so many unanswered questions ... so many wounds without mercy ...
You didn't put an end ... you just let ellipsis ... and they're still with me ... I do not think I'll be waiting much longer for the last conversation you promise me... i just don't care anymore...
What ever will be...will be...

It's Weird....

It's weird how sad the funny things get as time goes by...
It's weird that i don't have nothing to say... though i love to talk...
...nothing makes me pick up my pen..... though i love to write...
...nothing interesting to listen .... though i love music
Anyone could say that I'm lost...and that... i might be crazy....sad.... angry.... or what ever...but...even weirder is that I'M NOT!...
I dont even recognize myself... i'm not saying that that is a bad thing....
God knows the answer to every "WHY?".... and HE listens to our prayers...Thanks for that...

Even thought it was a Great day....

Even though it was a great, great day.... i admit that while i was laughing for everything and nothing, while i was hanging out, while i was watching the movie... i couldnt stop thinking about you and how i would like today be a different day... it should be just like the day i had planned... but i guess that we cant always get what we want... isnt that right??....
I know that i was rough... but i had to... i mean.... i was looking like a fool...waiting for nothing... i also know that i dont have the right to require anything from you... but i was expecting some consideration from you....
It's not ok... i need an answer...
I just hope that you dont regret the decision that you made... choosing the silence... choosing not saying what you wanted...
I just want to do GOD's will.... and i hope this is it...

Last 10 seconds...

In the last day of the year i was not sure that i wanted to keep going...not sure of what i wanted... who i wanted to be with... where to go... and the perpuse of all and anything... i honestly wasn't happy... but soon as the last 10 seconds of the year went away i knew.... right away... who was with me... who i wanted to be with... where i needed to go... where i wanted to go... i was instantly happy.... i knew the perpuse....
All beause of GOD that keeps people in the right place... in the exact time just for me... because of HIS love everything is possible...
I know now that all i have to do  is keep going without looking back and still remember the most important things... going foward... dont stop me... cause even if you try, I WONT....


Curiosity: i wrote this text, right on my cell... when i was in bed almost sleeping i grabbed my cell and i started writting... XD

Another year...

I have been so out....so away....so off from everything....and dont know why...i mean...it might have something to do with the fact that i don't want this year to end...cause it has been so far so great...
Another year passed by...special moments passed by...new friends were made...new things were experienced...new feelings were discovered...looks were exchanged...
GOD thanks for another amazing year... full of blessings...opportunities...and open doors...good and bad moments... your faithfullness...for being with me all the time...for him...for a new friendship...for everything that you have done in my life... I can not thank you enough...
Don't you forget to thanks GOD for everything...for HIS wonders...HIS love...so on and on...just don't forget that every YES and every NO from HIM is for a reason...HE planned everything in our life to the last detail ... to the last promenor...and still because of HIS love HE gave us a choice... either stay with HIM or not...and sometimes that are people that forget it...
So tomorrow is the last day of the year....and for next year ...i hope to be more prepared than i am now... more aware than i am now...more conscious than i am now...more open than i am now...more concentrated than i am now...more connect than i am now...more faithfull and near to GOD than i am now...
I trust you GOD with all my heart...and i know you won't left me alone...

Happy Entrance for the New Year to everyone...;D

Distance...

Somehow i don't understand how two people can be so connected and still be so appart from each other...and for some reason all i want to do is to erase the word DISTANCE from my vocabulary, from my grammar, from my books...and be able to break a pen whenever i'm trying to write that ....or break the keys of my computer whenever i'm trying to type it...i just wanna make it disappear forever...but i know that's impossible...and that i have to live with that...
All i can do is shorten it...so that i can grab the "connected" and the "appart" and make it work no matter what...But is it what GOD wants??....
I bit my head up trying to put each tought and each memory in the right place.....but they keep coming back...
WHAT CAN I DO?....I NEED HELP...URGENTLY...

GOD help me...